PEACEfulButterflEYES

another trip to the cities.  I had my doubts.  Now I'm stoked.  We'll see what the upcoming days bring.  EXCITED....

and we're of!

-izzie

it feels good to be back in the cities again.  it just lifts a terrible feeling off of my shoulders, and it feels amazing.
bought another beautiful pipe.  so excited to break it in.
gonna get drunk and have a good time.  then i'll get to see Katie tomorrow for brunch.

i got a hold of nate....and he claims he was going to let us hang out and catch up....  due to "phone problems", plans changed and he left earlier than expected.  i'm trying to  not be too worried about it.  he talked to me....it's a step.  i believe in second chances and i am trying to believe in him.  so we'll see what this leads to.

it's good....

peace
-lizz

There's no light, there's no sound, hard to breathe when you're underground, can you hear me now?
----
Brooke has told me that she thinks it's because he was not enough of a man to tell me that he had to go out of his way to find a reason to hate me just so he wouldn't have to be hurting himself.  He was too afraid to except the fact that he was wrong and I did nothing, and the fact that he did like me bothered him.  He couldn't accept that he had fallen again, and it scared him.
I believe that it could happen.
He had to search for a reason to hate me so that he could  force us to say goodbye.  He was just afraid.  And he couldn't and still can't talk to me because he feels to terrible about hurting me like that, that he can't stand to face me and hear what I have to say.
She could maybe be right i guess.
There's not much about me that people hate.  There's not much about me that causes people to force me away.  So why?  Why why why why why why why why why why why....  That is practically the only question I have....

I would be able to let this go....if he would tell me why.  If he would just explain it to me.  I'm not an idiot,  I will understand.

Why did this happen to me?  I don't use people.  I don't hate people.  I'm not angry or mean with people.  I'm not a easy person to simply despise.
So why do I get hurt?  Why did I get torn apart and trampled on?

I just wanna cry my eyes out.  I'd put them in a jar and send them to you, because I know how beautiful you think they are....

-Lizz

ick. another day.  still missin him....them.  still bored.  still angry.  still sad.  still crazy.  but i woke up today....i guess.

when things turn around they tend to turn around all at once.

we'll see how things go in the next few weeks.

if it wasn't worth it, then it wouldn't still matter so much.  and if it still didn't matter so much, i'd be able to let it go....
but this is fucking ridiculous.

can't wait for my massive BANK income soon.  well needed.

baby i promise i'll do all I can....

'cause i've been there before and you've been there before but together we can be alright....

"take chances.  tell the truth.  date someone totally wrong for you.  say no.  spend all your cash.  get to know someone random.  be random.  say i love you.  sing out loud.  laugh at stupid jokes.  cry.  apologize.  tell someone how much they mean to you.  tell a jerk what you think.  laugh till our stomach hurts.  live life.  regret nothing...."

it's 2011.  it may be just another tomorrow, simply another day, but it is a new day.  and a new year.  and it's a new chance for me to get back on track with my life.

i've been miserable, unbelievably happy and even more unbelievably angry and i am sick and tired of feeling like i wasted my time.  i don't want to think that i wasted my time at work early in the year because i didn't.  i don't want to feel like i wasted my time on gabe and nate, because it was not wasted time.  and i don't want to feel like i spent the last 4 months wasting my time and myself away because even though I may have, I've also moved forward.

I get my first paycheck since quitting my job in march, this week.  I have two days off that will be spent celebrating the fact that i've found a temporary fulltime job.  1600 dollars a month, here I come.  I found the most incredible house and if all is true and real i'll be living there with my best friend within the next couple months and things will be better.

when things turn around they turn around all at once, right?  so i'll enjoy the happy time while i have it, because now i truly realize how quickly it can be simply ripped away from me and stolen from underneath my feet.

it's time to get a move on with this bullshit life and take advantage of everything that comes my way.

peace out 2010.
hello new year.  happy 2011.

-lizz