A One-Sided Battle

if i had the chance to tell you all the things you should have had the time to hear....

i'd tell you that you're an idiot for never hearing what i took the time to say.  you're assuming everything about me.  and what did i ALWAYS say about assuming things?

you'd say you're not assuming anything....
i'd tell you that you're wrong....

you're assuming that i wanted something more from you.  you're assuming i cried because i was devastated and depressed about it.  you're assuming that i wouldn't get it, that i couldn't possibly understand.  you're assuming this is the right thing to do....and you're wrong.

if you would open up your eyes you would realize that i never acted as though i wanted anything except friendship from you.  you would see that YOU led ME on.  And yes, it's my fault for letting you.
     if you knew me well enough, you would see i did that for you, because i thought it made you happy.  you'd know that i always put others before myself.  that's why i let you do all those things....
you would see that i never tried anything.  you would've seen in my eyes that i didn't even want to....you would have seen it if you ever took the time to really look.
you would have heard the things i said and you would have noticed all the agreeing i did with you; all the things we thought and had in common.  you would have heard me say that i don't want a boyfriend and you would have heard the truth in my voice.  you would have heard me say that relationships are overrated and you would have heard me agree with you, WHOLE-HEARTEDLY when i said that sex DOES INDEED ruin everything.  you would have heard the fear in my voice and the regret when i said i'd take every instance i had with anyone back.  i would take it all back.  i would love to still be a virgin.  you would have heard the honestly behind those words.
you would have heard the real reason for me passing up on every boy you pointed out in our little game.  the real reason being fear.  you would've had the time to ask me why, and i would've taken the time to tell you how i was hurt, and why i was terrified....
     now you've only made it worse....
if you would have taken the time to ask, i would have taken the time to tell you.  but would you have seized the time to listen?  to truly hear what i had to say?  would you have heard my 'whys' and 'why nots'?
     well....would you?
if you knew me like you could've, you would have heard the anger and the rage behind the tears that fell.  you remember that song, it's one of my favorites.... "and it takes a whole lot of shit to make her cry."  yeah, it's true.  think about it, in those six months, did you ever once see me cry?  hm?
     yeah, i didn't think so.
it's because with you, the shit disappeared.  the rest was just life and nothing that i couldn't handle.  you never saw me angry.  not like this.  so how would you even know what it's like?
     you wouldn't, would you?  you would have no idea.
you would have known what depressed really is....if i were actually depressed.  i'm not even sad.  i'm just disappointed.  i'm disappointed that i thought so much more highly of you, and now you just let me down.  not gently either, like i know i deserved.
     but you were always rough before you were gently with me.  HA!  and it sounds so dirty that way, doesn't it?
you dropped me like a piano from the 27th floor of a high rise.  the sound of my tears, that of the piano ivory clashing with ground.  what could have been beautiful sounds, turned instantly to painful noise.
     that is what crying is to me.  noise.  painful, disgusting noise.  no one is pretty when they cry.  it's such an ugly face to wear....
you would know my problem with words.  the words that i don't get to think about first.  the words i had to use, because you would've give me the chance to use any, otherwise.  you would let these words in, because they'[re the ones that i really want you to hear.  they're the ones that i deserve to say to you.
     but will you even give them a chance?
if you would have asked why.  asked why about anything.  you would have known that i have a past.  one just as painful as yours.  i've been betrayed.  my heart's been broken.
     you'd be happy to know that you never had my heart to break....even though you probably assumed that i felt you did.
i would have told you the love that i've felt.  one unlike that of anything you could've given me.  i would've told you about how i've been used and how hurt i've felt.  i would tell you the stories about why i choose to stay protected.
     maybe then you would have noticed that my guard was down and i was vulnerable....maybe then you could have told me why i let you pull down my wall brick by terrifying brick.
you would have believed me when i'd tell you that i do understand and i do get it.  everything about you.  and the things i didn't?
     well, perhaps i should have asked.  but you made me afraid to ask, and would it have done any good anyway?  would we still be where we are?  you there and me here....
you would have heard me when i say that i let people go easily.  i heard you when you said you do the same thing.  remember?  you said we're like the exact same, only in opposite ways.  you weren't entirely sure what you meant, but i knew.
     i never thought to ask if you'd end up doing that to me.  i should've asked you then if you thought you'd ever let me go.

you probably would have said something like "i don't know," only using more words and that innocent look would be on your face.  your eyes wide open, smiling only slightly, looking away from me somewhere off in the middle distance....
     but you're unpredictable....so i could be wrong....
if you would've talked to me.  if you would have told me why, this would've feel so wrong.  if you weren't so indecisive.  if you could just make up your mind, maybe then i could've made up mine.  if you didn't act like such a child.  if you would have handled it like the mature 22-year-old you pretend to be, maybe things would've felt right.  maybe i would have talked you out of doing something so irrational.
    maybe then you could have talked me out of the same thing.  we're both irrational.  and both indecisive.  and we both know it....at least we should by now....
maybe if things were right, it wouldn't feel so wrong.  maybe if you would've given me the chance to defend myself.  you should've given me the chance to fight back.
     but you didn't....
this was a battle you started, fought, and finished all without me.  you did it all by yourself.  is that what you wanted?  you were probably too afraid to let me fight back.  you were probably afraid you'd lose....
     you do always tend to take the easy way out, don't you?  you're just as terrified as i am, so why am i the only one who tries?

i have the greatest friends in the world.  friends i would do anything for.  friends who will do any6thing for me....i thought that maybe i would be able to feel that way about you....
but i'm just like you and any other human being on this planet because i also make mistakes.
     just like you, Gabriel, i can be wrong about people and things too....